“Am I Really Saying Yes? Understanding Consent, Agency, and Desire After Trauma”
One of the most confusing and painful experiences survivors often describe is this:
“I can’t tell if I actually want sex, or if I’m just going along with it.”
At first glance, it can look like consent. But deep down, many survivors know it feels more like survival than choice.
When Going Along Becomes a Strategy
After rape, survivors often carry a mix of fear, shame, and bodily responses that make sexual encounters complicated. Sometimes, they find themselves “going along” with sex, even when they don’t feel real desire.
As one participant in my research put it:
“Even when I didn’t want it, I felt like it was easier to just let it happen than to explain or risk rejection.”
This isn’t a failure of willpower or morality. It’s the body protecting itself. That means the nervous system can interpret intimacy, even with a safe partner as a threat, pushing us into compliance mode rather than genuine desire.
Desire vs Compliance
It’s important to distinguish:
Desire: a felt sense of wanting, curiosity, or openness ultimately a drive to engage in sexual experiences
Compliance: saying “yes” or going along, often out of fear, obligation, or a need to keep the peace.
One survivor captured this tension:
“I wasn’t saying no, but I wasn’t really saying yes either. It was like my body just decided it was safer not to resist.”
This distinction is vital for clinicians, partners, and survivors themselves. Too often, compliance is mistaken for consent by others and by the survivor, who may blame themselves for “agreeing.”
Relearning Agency in Sexuality
The good news? Agency…the ability to freely choose can be relearned. Healing isn’t about forcing yourself “back to normal.” It’s about building a new, compassionate relationship with sexuality.
Here’s what that process can look like:
Listening to the Body
Many survivors describe feeling disconnected from their own bodily signals. Gentle therapeutic work like grounding exercises or body scans can help distinguish between a real “yes,” an authentic “no,” and the grey area of “maybe but I need more time to build my desire’’.
Finding Safety in Relationships
Belonging matters. In my research, survivors who felt supported and believed by partners or friends found it easier to explore intimacy again. In contrast, pressure or judgement deepened withdrawal. Safety and patience provide the ground where agency can grow.
Compassionate Reframing
So many survivors feel broken because of avoidance, pain, or low desire. But these aren’t dysfunctions, they’re protective strategies. When survivors start seeing their responses as survival rather than failure, shame softens, and choice becomes possible again.
Therapeutic Support
Approaches like Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) help counter the harsh “inner sex critic”, that voice that says “You’re disgusting” or “You’re letting people down.” By building self-compassion, survivors learn to speak to themselves with kindness instead of judgement. As one participant put it: “When I started to see my reactions as protective instead of brokeness, I felt like I could begin again on my own terms.’’
So… Am I Really Saying Yes?
If you’ve ever wondered whether you truly wanted sex, or whether you were just going along, you are not alone. This confusion is part of how trauma reshapes the body’s signals.
But remember: compliance is not consent. And desire is not broken forever.
Healing means moving from survival mode back to choice, relearning what yes, no, and maybe feel like in your body. With safety, compassion, and support, survivors can rebuild a sexuality that feels authentic, chosen, and free.