Shame, Self-Criticism, and the Social Brain: How Compassion Can Heal Sexuality After Trauma
One of the hardest things many survivors carry after sexual trauma isn’t just the memory of what happened, it’s the shame that follows. Shame can make survivors feel like they’re the problem, like something inside them is “broken” or “wrong.” But what if shame isn’t a flaw at all? What if it’s a survival response and one we can gently unlearn?
That’s where Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) comes in.
Why Shame Shows Up After Trauma
Shame is a deeply social emotion. It evolved to keep us safe in groups, by warning us when we risk rejection or exclusion. After trauma, shame often gets tangled with self-blame: “Maybe I led him on. Maybe I should’ve fought harder. Maybe this means I’m damaged.”
As one participant in my research reflected:
“I started to think maybe I was broken, like there was something wrong with me, not what happened to me.”
The Trap of Self-Criticism
Many survivors respond to shame by becoming their own harshest critic. This makes sense: self-criticism can feel like a way to stay in control or prevent further harm. But over time, it fuels anxiety, depression, and sexual difficulties. Failure or perceived failure to exist positively for others may result in an individual feeling unworthy of affiliation and care. Subsequently, their world may become a threatening and frightening place. This can show up in sex as fear of rejection, difficulty trusting desire, or feeling unworthy of pleasure.
Enter Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT)
CFT, developed by Paul Gilbert, was designed to help people with high shame and self-criticism. It’s not about ignoring pain—it’s about creating a different inner voice. Instead of shame running the show, CFT strengthens our ability to treat ourselves with care and understanding.
CFT draws on the idea that we have three “systems” in our brains:
Threat System – the inner alarm (shame, fear, anxiety).
Drive System – the push to achieve, pursue, or perform.
Soothing System – the sense of safeness, connection, and kindness.
After trauma, the threat system is often on overdrive. Survivors can get stuck in cycles of shame and protection, leaving little room for soothing or desire. CFT helps rebalance these systems by building self-compassion.
Practical Compassion in Sexual Healing
So how does this look in practice?
Reframe sexual difficulties as protective strategies, not dysfunctions.
“These self-protective strategies, viewed in their original context, should be considered as strengths rather than deficits.”
Practice compassionate imagery. For example, picturing a wise, kind figure who responds with warmth instead of blame when difficulties arise.
Learn body-based safety cues. Pairing CFT with Polyvagal Theory, survivors can practice grounding exercises that tell the nervous system: “It’s safe to be here.”
Shift the focus of therapy from “fixing” to understanding.
Survivors Perspective
One participant described how shifting from shame to compassion changed her relationship with sexuality:
“I realised I wasn’t broken. My body was just protecting me. When I could see that with kindness instead of hate, things slowly started to change.”
“For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t just ‘get over it.’ When I started thinking about it as my body’s way of keeping me safe, I stopped blaming myself so much.”
Others highlighted how CFT’s focus on kindness offered relief from self-criticism:
“I used to hear this voice in my head saying I was disgusting or damaged. Therapy helped me learn that voice wasn’t the truth—it was fear. Now, I try to speak to myself the way I would to a friend.”
Takeaway for Survivors and Clinicians
Shame after sexual trauma isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of survival. But survivors don’t have to stay trapped there. CFT offers a way to soften shame’s grip, replace harsh self-criticism with kindness, and rebuild sexuality as something safe, chosen, and empowering.
Healing begins when survivors are helped to say: “I was raped, but that doesn’t make me dysfunctional.”